Finally Spring

What a change!  My whole mood and personality changes when it's spring time.
 The sun shines and so do I.
I look forward to warm weather for 9 months out of the year and it is finally here!!!!
I will come out of my cave now and feel alive for a few months.

Fear

Tomorrow morning I take the most important test of my life. (so far anyway)

I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of the cost of retaking it.  I am afraid of the judgement that will follow if I fail and have to retake.

I am afraid of success.  I am afraid of becoming a licensed REGISTERED NURSE.  I am afraid of the increased responsibility that will follow.  I am afraid of having new things expected of me that I don't yet know.  I am afraid of making a huge mistake and losing the license I have worked so hard for.

I am afraid of the unkown.

It's time to face my fears.

Learning to say "NO"

Today I feel like life is a tornado!  There is so much to be done and only 24 short hours in a day.  I tend to be a giver.  Often friends and family ask for things, and no matter what I have going on I will extend myself to do more than I really should.  I am trying very hard to learn to say no because I tend to create way too much stress for myself when I take on so much.
Today I had to take Laynee to the eye doctor to get her glasses replaced.  I no sooner got home and my friend called and wanted a ride to Decorah.  I have 2 hours free this afternoon so I instantly started trying to think of how I could make it work.  The more I thought about it I realized I would really like to have this 2 hours to myself to unwind a little and take a shower and enjoy my daughter a little bit.  At 4pm we have my niece's birthday party and are going out with my BFF for her birthday tonight.  So I very gently told my friend,"No, I can't take you to Decorah this afternoon.  I just have too much going on today."  I felt a twinge of guilt immediately after saying this because I feel like I disappointed someone.  What is my problem? Why is it so hard to say no? Really this friend can find another ride and take care of herself, I just feel like I let someone down.  I hope this feeling passes.
So, how do you disappoint someone without feeling guilty afterward?

So many questions...

Today I spent in a classroom finishing up the review course for boards.  I spent the day with girls I have gotten to know pretty well over the past two years.  Honestly I am a little sad to not see some of them anymore.  It really is over and the finality of it has set in.  We all make promises to get together and do this and that in the future but will it really happen?  Who knows.  We all know that people get lives and get busy and these new friendships that have built to help us through this time will dwindle away.  My mom told me a long time ago that people come into our lives for a reason and when that reason is fulfilled they go out of our lives too.  She is probably right.  I hope some of those friendships live on, but there are others I can live without.

Now that school is over I am kind of like now what?  I really don't have chapters to read or papers to write.  Is my family ever going to be normal again?  Is it possible to get to know my children again? Can I actually know my husband as a husband again?  I have felt for months like he and I have been just living like two room mates or two parents with the common goal of raising the same 3 children.  Our connection is missing.  We used to be so close we'd finish each others's sentences.  It was like we had our own secret language. We always knew what the other was thinking.  Now we seem satisfied to just be in the same building, each doing our own thing.  I hope with some time spent together we can rebuild and have even better than we used to.  I miss him and I miss us....

A Good Day!

I had a great day today! Well, except for the 7 hours I had to sit in a classroom and try to stay awake. Haha!  Otherwise it was awesome.  I went to lunch with great friends in the middle so that made it all better.  

In the process of teasing a friend of mine wound up rolling around on the floor with her like 5 year olds in a computer lab at school laughing our butts off so that was fun too.  Then I came home to a fairly clean house and Darrel matching socks and empty laundry baskets! I was so pleased I don't know what else to say about it.  It was so nice to see!

So I think we are going to go to a movie tonight and spend some couple time together.  I have spent time in the past as a stay at home parent and completely understand the need for a break from the house and the kids.  He deserves this, and so do I.  

So I have 2 more days of this review class for the board exam and I won't have to drive to NICC anymore.  I can send my paperwork and money in and sign up to take RN boards.  I'll have to change my signature then to include the new letters behind my name.  I can't wait!

Nurse, Mom, Maid, Wife....

So this may turn into a vent session but I decided to write it anyway.  I have had the longest week ever. I feel like I was at work more than I was at home.  It is increasingly difficult to sleep during the day when all the kids are home.  They went back to school today though so that helped tremendously.  Yesterday I got home from work at 7:30 am and decided I was absolutely sick and tired of living in a messy house.  I did dishes, folded 5 or 6 loads of laundry out of baskets that were left to pile up, washed and dried 2 more, swept floors, took out the garbage, and scrubbed the bathroom.  I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to do it all but I can't go to sleep comfortably if it's a mess either.I often feel as though these things are ignored until I get so sick of it I do it myself.  For having 2 adults in the house I can't be the only one to notice the mountain of laundry, dirty dishes all over or the dirty toilet in the bathroom. I definitely think we need to figure out some kind of routine for keeping this house clean instead of just waiting until I can't stand it anymore and have to do it myself.  No one seems to want to help unless I have an absolute fit about it.  While Darrel is beginning his woodworking business it really in my opinion should come second after being a stay home dad and taking care of the regular house hold duties. I don't really want to complain and start a fight and I don't know how to approach him to ask for help because he thinks I don't appreciate the things he does do.  I am sure we will work this all out, there is always an adjustment period with change.

Tomorrow I begin my 3 day class that is to help review for the RN state board exam.  I am so over going back to NICC for 3 full days and I really don't want to go!!!!  I will though because I paid for it.  I just want to be finished with all of the hoop jumping, take my boards and have my license already!  This has been a terribly long road and I honestly ready to just be done with it.  I have paperwork to do for that too and with the cost of the test I guess I had better set some money aside for that too.  I am glad I have been getting some work hours lately to pay for it!  

Work is going well.  Each shift I work I get a little more comfortable with the job and a little more confident in my skills.  I am finding that there is a CNA that wants to butt heads with me.  I just have to stay calm and keep the peace.  The thing I am afraid of the most is having to actually call a doctor in the middle of the night. I don't know why I am so afraid of getting chewed out.  I am not really confident enough to know when to call and when not to call yet and I am sure I would be the one to call when it isn't necessary or I don't have my ducks in a row so to speak.  I learned in school how to take tests and how to perform skills with someone  watching me over my shoulder. Now I am allowed to work without someone watching over me... In some ways it feels unreal.  I have a nursing license, so legally I am qualified to do the job I am doing.  It feels weird though, I ask myself, "is this really ok for me to do?" all the time.  I am so afraid of making a mistake or not documenting properly.  I hope that in time I get a little calmer and can get through a shift without all of the nervousness.  I come home from work and lay awake thinking about every thing I did throughout the shift and wonder what I missed.  I wake from a dead sleep and firmly believe that I ignored a patient for an entire shift, total bad dream, but what an awful feeling!  

The children threw me for a loop tonight.  Well, I should say Michael threw me for a loop.  The school bus came and dropped off Laynee at around 4pm per usual except Micheal wasn't on it!  I panicked.  I had no idea where my child was and I felt the anxiety rising in my throat.  I got on the phone and called the school and no one answered in the office.  I called the YMCA and was told he wasn't there.  I called the lady that runs the after school program and finally found him.  He thought he was to stay because he thought Laynee had basketball practice today so there was a big miscommunication.  Turns out Laynee was supposed to have practice today but we were unaware as we have no practice calendar for January.  I imagine the coaches expect me to be psychic or something.  So I drove into town and picked up my son who was safe and sound and with all the children in the house again I can relax a little...except for the growing pile of dishes again in the kitchen.  I guess it's time to get busy, UGH!

Giggles and Footsteps

This morning I am listening to two little girls (Keira and my niece) run through the house giggling their little butts off.  On any other day I would say something about the rule of no running in the house, but today it really is making me smile.  I love that they can have fun with the simplest things.  I wish I could bottle that laughter and share it with the world.  We have all become so serious about life and have lost our imagination.  What I wouldn't give to be that carefree again for a day.  I am loving these giggles and enjoying them.  Who wants to be in trouble for having fun? I sure don't!  Maybe I should run through the house and laugh right along with them!

I think my favorite time of the day is the early morning when I am not quite awake yet and I hear the kids in the house moving around.  I hear them try to tippy toe past my bedroom door in hopes of not waking the sleeping bears inside!  It warms my heart to know that we have taught them to think of others.  I often will see Keira stop and watch a commercial on TV about abused animals with tears streaming down her face and I realize how huge her 4 year old heart truly is.  She is ask me, "Mommy, what happened to those animals?"  How does one answer that question?  I will say that someone didn't take care of them very well, etc.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that no one loved a particular puppy or kitty?  It is a difficult line to walk when I think about blowing her innocent view on the world out of the water.